


The Monster Inside of My Head

by BeccaAnne814



Series: Bucky Barnes x Reader Series [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Blood, Death, F/M, Fire, Gunshot Wounds, Mentions of Death, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Plane Crash, Violence, alcohol comsumption, cursing, mentions of torture, smoke inhalation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 13:12:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11441604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccaAnne814/pseuds/BeccaAnne814
Summary: As a young child, you see your parents murdered in front of you.  What happens when the monster from your nightmares comes back into your life?





	1. Chapter 1

_Your dad had picked you up off of the couch and began running.  You weren't sure what was going on.  One minute you were all sitting in the living room eating popcorn and watching Finding Nemo and then your dad had heard a noise.  Without a second's thought, you were cradled in his arms, the pictures lining the stairway going by in a blur as he ran up the stairs._

_Your mom had been close on his heels, frantically urging your dad to hurry upstairs.  Your dad threw open the door to his bedroom closet and ordered to you to hide and not say a single word.  You could hear the fear in your father's voice, so you didn't hesitate to obey.  You found an old blanket in the corner and wrapped it around your shoulders. Fear was sending chills throughout your body._

_You could just make out the shapes of your parents through the slats in the closet door.  They had pulled the safe from under the bed and your father was grabbing two guns.  They had just turned to run back downstairs when he strode in.  He was dressed all in black, a mask covering the bottom part of his face.  The gun in his hand flashed twice, the sound deafening to your ears._

_You watched both of your parents crumple to the floor.  Pools of blood spread across the hardwood floor from beneath their bodies.  You covered your mouth with your hand, desperately trying to stifle the scream that had risen in the back of your throat.  Your parents hadn't even had time to raise their guns before he had killed them._

_He paused for a moment, his eyes cold and dead as he looked at the lifeless bodies before him.  He glanced toward the closet for just a moment before he turned and silently walked back into the hallway.  You could just barely make out the red star on his left arm as he left the room, glowing brightly as if it were on fire._

_You waited for what seemed like an eternity, every noise blanketing you in a fresh wave of panic.  It wasn't until the early morning light began illuminating the room that you dared to move from your hiding spot.  You had silently prayed all night long that your parents would get up and come and get you, but deep down you knew you would never feel their loving arms around you again._

_You quietly opened the closet door and stared at the lifeless forms of your parents.  Blood had covered the floor between the bed and closet where they lay.  You had no choice but to walk through it to get out of the room.  It was cold and sticky, coating the bottoms of your feet, leaving macabre footprints throughout the house as you made your way back downstairs._

_You walked to the end table by the sofa and picked up the phone.  Your fingers were shaking as you dialed the number your parents had drilled into your head since you were old enough to count. The operator answered, inquiring as to what your emergency was.  Just as you were about to answer, the sound of a floorboard creaking had you quickly turning around.  The man was back, and this time the gun was pointed straight at you._


	2. Chapter 2

Present Day

You shot up in bed, throwing the covers off, your body covered in a cold sweat. Your heart was racing in your chest as you gasped for breath. "It was only a dream, it was only a dream, it was only a dream." You repeated the mantra in your head over and over again.

The nightmare was the same every time. You knew that in reality you had made it to the living room and placed the call to emergency services, and the monster hadn't come back. That was just the nightmare that played out in your subconscious every night.

 

_Age 10_

_The shock and fear had frozen your vocal cords, rendering you unable to answer the kind voice on the other end of the phone. Finally succumbing to the panic that you had suppressed, you broke down in loud, racking sobs. The woman on the other end of the phone begged you to calm down, but once the dam had broken, nothing could stop the torrent of tears._

_Eventually the police and the paramedics arrived at your house, emergency services having been able to trace the phone number. They had barely made it through the door before the other authorities had arrived. You recognized your father's friend, Uncle Phil as you knew him, as he informed the police that his organization would be taking over the investigation._

_Agents dressed in black suits followed your bloody footprints back up the stairs to your parents' bedroom. Uncle Phil had ignored everything around him once he spotted you in curled into a ball in the middle of the floor. He sank to his knees as he gathered you close, whispering comforting words in your ears as he carried you out of the house. It would be the last time you ever saw your home again._

_Another couple that had been friends of your parents took you in and raised you as their own. They referred you to a counselor to help you deal with the trauma of that night. No one had believed you when you told them about the monster with the dead eyes and an arm made of fire. You eventually began to think that you had imagined him, a coping mechanism to deal with the horrors your brain couldn't properly process._

_2 Years Ago_

_You had put the night behind you, had gone on to graduate at the top of your class. Eventually, you followed in the footsteps of your parents and your foster parents, joining S.H.I.E.L.D. just weeks after you finished high school._

_The nightmares had eventually passed, the memory of that night fading like an old photograph. That is, until you walked by a TV in the New York office one afternoon. There was a battle on the freeway in Washington DC involving Captain America and Agent Romanoff._

_You weren't really paying much attention until you caught a familiar figure out of the corner of your eye. You froze for a moment, too scared to look at the TV. The way he moved was unmistakable and when you finally forced yourself to look, the bright red star on his shoulder confirmed your deepest fears._

_All it took was one glimpse and suddenly you were a ten year old girl again, hiding in her parent's closet, terrified that the monster was going to come after her next. Your face drained of color, your heart started racing, and you were struggling to draw breath into your lungs. The other agents around you barely took notice of you, too focused on the live broadcast._

_You must have started crying, the choking sobs finally drawing the attention of your colleagues. The next few minutes were a blur. You were vaguely aware of someone leading you into an empty conference room and placing a cup of water in your hands._

_You desperately tried to hold onto the words they had taught you say after a nightmare, "It was only a dream, it was only a dream." Except this time, it wasn't a dream, and you weren't waking up anytime soon._

_The panic began to subside and you became aware of your surroundings. Your best friend was by your side, a concerned look on her face. Taking a deep breath, you began explaining. You had never told any of your friends about the man who killed your parents. You had almost convinced yourself that he wasn't real, but now, that illusion was shattered forever._

_Kerri had sat in silence while you relived the worst day of your life. When you had finished, she simply held you while the two of you cried. Finally able to breathe again, you thanked your friend and made your way back to your desk._

_Once you were seated, you took a deep breath and picked up the phone. You didn't even have to think about the number you were calling, you had dialed it so many times your fingers flew over the keys. It only rang once before a familiar voice answered on the other end._


	3. Chapter 3

_2 Years Ago_

_You almost lost your composure again upon hearing his voice. You drew upon the last remaining reserves of strength as you asked if he had seen the news. The line was silent for a moment while you waited for his answer. After a second, he apologized for not believing you all those years ago. Your monster had turned out to be real._

_Phil had insisted that you finally join him and his team. You had put off doing so because you wanted to make a name for yourself. You didn't want anyone accusing you of using your connections to get ahead in this job. Now things were different, you had been blindsided by this new development and you wanted the comfort and safety that Phil's presence had always brought._

_Phil made the necessary calls and filed all of the paperwork and within a few days, you were on a plane heading to his location. Little did you know that the other shoe had yet to drop. You were still dealing with the fact that your parents' assassin was back, but now it had been revealed that S.H.I.E.L.D. had been infiltrated by Hydra. At least fighting Hydra helped to keep your mind off of your personal struggle._

 

Present Day 

You sat on the edge of bed, your head in your hands as you struggled to gain control of yourself again. The nightmares had started up again after you had seen him on the freeway in DC two years ago. You hated knowing that he was still out there, somewhere. It wasn't likely that he would be coming for you, but your subconscious wouldn't let you forget the terror he instilled in you all those years ago.

"Are you alright?" Phil said from the doorway, a look of concern on his face.

You ran your hands through your hair as you looked up at your friend. "Yeah. It was just a dream. I'll sleep better once he and Rogers are found."

"I wanted to talk to you about that," he began. "Stark isn't doing so well since the incident in Siberia. I was thinking that it might be a good idea for you to work with him."

"You mean become an Avenger?" you asked, your eyes lighting up at the prospect.

"You wouldn't actually be an Avenger," he clarified. "You would be more of a S.H.I.E.L.D. liaison to the Avengers. It's just Stark, Vision, and Colonel Rhodes at the compound right now. Agent Romanoff is currently off the grid."

"You want me to babysit," you surmised.

"Not exactly," he hedged. "You and Stark have a lot in common and it might be good for the two of you to meet."

"So, not a babysitter, but a therapist," you inferred. "You know what? I don't care. This is a huge opportunity for me and I'll take it."

"He's expecting you by the end of the day," he instructed.

"I really didn't have a choice in the matter, did I?" you asked.

"I didn't think you'd say no," he replied. "I'm going to miss having you around, (Y/N)."

You crossed the room to pull him into a hug. "These past two years have been great, Phil, but we both know that I need to learn to stand on my own two feet again. I can't let my fear of the Winter Soldier keep me from living my life."

You got up and started packing. You didn't have much, just a few essentials. The only thing that you had kept from your childhood was a framed photo of you and your parents. You had taken a trip to the beach and you and your dad had built a huge sandcastle. Your mother had asked the little old lady collecting shells to take your photo in front of your masterpiece. Everyone was smiling and so happy. It always made you sad to remember how happy you were. It made you mad to think about how that happiness was ripped away from you. You knew where the blame lay, but you just couldn't help imagining what you would do if you ever came face to face with the monster that stole your life from you. He would pay, you would make sure of it.


	4. Chapter 4

Phil had arranged for a helicopter to transport you to the Avenger's Compound in Upstate New York. It was the beginning of November and the leaves were in full color, painting the landscape below you in warm shades of yellows, oranges, and reds. The serenity of the scenery helped to take your mind of the nervousness you felt about your new position.

The chopper landed on the circular landing pad by the compound. Stark was leaning against the wall, looking extremely bored as he played with the device in his hand. You grabbed your duffle, thanked the pilot, and made your way over to Stark. He finally looked up as you approached, tilting his sunglasses down to give you a once over.

"So, you're the best that S.H.I.E.L.D. has to offer?" he questioned sarcastically. 

"I've never claimed to be the best, Mr. Stark," you rebutted. "Agent Coulson thought you and I would work well together. I can see now that perhaps he was wrong."

"Phil's rarely wrong, my dear," he conceded. "I just enjoy being an ass."

"Well," you retorted. "I guess everyone has to be good at something."

"You and I are going to get along just fine," he quipped as he turned to open the door for you. "Ladies first."

You laughed as you started into the building. As you walked past, Stark took your bag from you. You raised one brow in question as he shrugged his shoulders. This was definitely going to be an interesting assignment. 

Stark led you through the corridors to a set of elevators. When you got off you were met with a large open room that looked to be the main common area. Stark took a left and led you down another corridor with doors to what you assumed were the living quarters. He stopped about halfway down the hall at an open door. He swept his arm in front of you, inviting you to enter. 

You smiled as you walked into the spacious room. There were windows everywhere filling the space with an abundance of light. The view outside was absolutely breathtaking. Your room faced the lake and you could just see the water glimmering in the sunlight over the treetops.

A movement in the corner caught your eye and you turned to find the android arranging some flowers on the nightstand by the bed. He stood up and offered you a smile.

"Agent (Y/L/N)," he began as he walked toward you. "We are pleased that you have come to stay with us. If there is any way that I can be of assistance, please do not hesitate to ask."

You held out your hand as he tilted his head in confusion. A smile and a nod of his head revealed his understanding before he took your hand and gave it a firm shake.

"I'm excited to be here, Vision," you told him. "I think this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship."

"Ok, Vis," Stark interrupted. "(Y/N) here needs to get settled in, so we should leave her to it."

"Thank you, Mr. Stark," you replied. 

"Tony," he corrected. "If you're going to be mooching off of me, we should at least be on a first name basis."

"I'm perfectly capable of paying my own way, Tony," you informed him with a smirk. "S.H.I.E.L.D. may not pay me much salary wise, but I've got a decent enough nest egg tucked away if my room and board is going to break the bank for you."

"Ha, ha," he mocked with a roll of his eyes. "You've got a mouth on you, did anyone ever tell you that?"

"Phil," you answered with a smile. "Just about every day."

"All jokes aside," he began. "Once you get settled in, you and I have some things we need to talk about."

"What would that be exactly?" you asked as you took the duffle from him and laid it on the end of the bed.

"First things first," he explained as he walked out of the room. "We need to find the bastard that killed our parents. Then we can figure out how we're going to make him pay."


	5. Chapter 5

You thought about Tony's words the entire time that you unpacked. You hadn't been sure if he knew about your past, but you'd had a pretty good suspicion that he would have gone to great lengths to learn everything about you before you joined his team.

Tony's resources were pretty much unlimited, so the possibility of retribution could very well become a reality for you. Your mind went through many different scenarios of just what you would do to the Soldier once he was in your grasp. A quick death was definitely out of the question. You wanted to make him suffer, make him as terrified of you as you had been of him. Yes, a slow torturous death was just what he deserved. You and Tony would be able to stretch that out for weeks. . . if you could keep S.H.I.E.L.D. and Rogers off your back.

Thinking of S.H.I.E.L.D. had your mind shifting to thoughts of Phil. He must know what you and Tony would be planning. Was he condoning your actions? Would he really let you avenger your parents deaths without interfering? That wasn't exactly in his character, but he'd lost two of his best friends that night as well. He'd watched you suffer through the night terrors for years afterward. Maybe taking the Soldier out for good was the real reason why you were here. 

You shook off your doubts and questions and started to make your way back toward the common area. Tony hadn't said where he would be, but that was probably the best place to start. You took your time walking through the hall, paying attention to the small details as you went. Tony had spared no expense when it came to this facility. The kitchen alone was enough to make you cry. 

That particular room had drawn your complete attention with its state of the art appliances, so you missed the man sitting in an armchair by one of the floor to ceiling windows. The movement of his hand as he turned the page of his book drew your eye. Although you'd never met him, you recognized Col. Rhodes immediately.

"I'm sorry," you apologized. "I didn't see you sitting there."

He place a marker in the book and slowly rose from his seat. "That's okay. I didn't want to startle you."

You walked over to him, a hand outstretched. "Agent (Y/L/N). It's a pleasure to meet you Col. Rhodes."

He leaned his left hand on his cane as he took yours with his right. "It's Rhodey."

"(Y/N)," you replied. "It's a pleasure to be here. I look forward to working with you."

"It'll be nice to have a new face around here," he joked. "I'm getting pretty sick of looking at Tony's ugly mug!"

"I heard that," Tony announced as he walked into the room. "Now if you're finished flirting with our new agent, I need her in my office."

Rhodey just shook his head as he lowered himself back into the chair. "Don't mind me. I'm just going to sit here and read my book. I know nothing of revenge plots."

You raised your eyebrows in question as Tony shrugged him off. "Don't know what you're talking about. That fall must have muddled your head a bit. (Y/N) and I are just going to go over some basic guidelines. We'll be back in a few to check up on you."

Tony led you toward his office on the other side of the compound. Like every other room in the place, there were large windows that let in an abundance of natural light as well as affording the occupant a fantastic view of the New York countryside. 

Tony sat on one end of the large sofa and gestured for you to sit beside him. He ran his fingers over the glass top coffee table, activating the interface installed within it. He touched a few icons and the images became three-dimensional holographs in front of you.

He leaned back as the images before you began scrolling as if in a slideshow. They were all of the Winter Soldier and seemed to have come from traffic and security cameras. You recognized some of the backgrounds, Washington D.C., New York City, and what looked to be Eastern European cities.

"I've had FRIDAY scour the internet looking for Barnes," he explained. "These are all of the images she was able to find. As you can tell, most of them are from the past two years. You can follow his movements from where he left Rogers on the banks of the Potomac."

You sat forward in your seat, using your finger to scroll through the photos. FRIDAY had date and timestamped the images, as well as adding the location where it was taken. He had left Rogers on the Potomac and stayed off of the radar for a few days before he reappeared on his way to the Smithsonian. He had then gone to Brooklyn for what you could only assume was an attempt to jump start his memories.

It was few weeks before he started popping up in Europe, steadily making his way to Bucharest. He ended up staying there the longest based on the amount of photographs taken during that time. The last photos were taken in Germany during the fight at the airport. Those were the only photos where you could actually see all of his face. After that, he seemed to have disappeared.

"He was pretty good at avoiding the cameras, wasn't he?" you asked.

"He'd been trained to be a ghost," he replied. "I'm surprised FRIDAY was able to find even partial images. She didn't finish compiling all of this until after I returned from Siberia."

"So," you began as you looked at that final image dated over six months ago. "The only question that remains is where he's at now."


	6. Chapter 6

You and Tony had thrown different ideas back and forth for what seemed like hours. Every theory a little more ridiculous than the one before. The truth was, neither of you had a clue where they were.

FRIDAY eventually interrupted the two of you to announce that Vision had prepared dinner and was requesting your presence in the common room. Tony shut down the interface and the two of you walked back down the hall. 

"So (Y/N)," Tony began as you walked through the corridor. "How do you feel about cooking?"

"I'm pretty decent, why?" you inquired.

"Vision is a horrible cook," he stated. "Rhodey and I are even worse, so if you want to take over that department, I'll love you forever."

"Vision can't be that bad, can he?" you asked.

"He's an android that doesn't eat," Tony explained. "Draw your own conclusions."

The two of you turned the corner to find Vision placing the last dish on the beautifully set table. Rhodey was already seated, not waiting for you as he helped himself to the mashed potatoes.

"Please have a seat and enjoy," Vision requested as he pulled one of the chairs out for you.

You thanked him and began filling your plate. Tony had been right about Vision's cooking. There wasn't enough salt and pepper to hide the fact that this food was horrible. You would be more than happy to take over the cooking duties. 

 

The next few weeks went by in a blur as the four of you settled into an easy routine. You and Tony would spend a few hours every day scouring the internet for signs of Rogers and the Soldier. Vision had been thrilled when you offered to help him in the kitchen. Rhodey had even requested that you help him with his physical therapy since Tony had absolutely no patience with his slow recovery.

Things were going smooth, and then all of a sudden Tony started acting strangely. You had been called away from Rhodey's therapy session when Phil requested a conference call. When you returned Rhodey was doubled over in laughter at the FedEx guy calling Tony "Tony Stank." You started laughing as Rhodey kept coming up with new jokes to go along with the name. Tony shrugged them off and retreated to his office with the small package. He never told you what was in it, and you never thought to ask.

Tony had started locking himself in his office and you were becoming concerned. Every time you asked him what he had been doing, he evaded the question and changed the subject. Even Rhodey and Vision had noticed the change in him and were starting to worry.

You went by his office everyday hoping that he would eventually let you back in. You had grown accustomed to FRIDAY telling you that he was unavailable, so when she granted you access one day, you were a bit taken aback.

You cautiously walked into the darkened office. The windows had been tinted almost black and Tony was sitting on the sofa watching what you initially thought was a horror film from the sounds of the screams. As you walked closer to him, you realized that the man in the video was the Soldier.

"What are you watching?" you asked.

"Did you know Hydra liked to keep records of the things they did?" he asked, ignoring your question. "You'd think a secret, evil organization would've been a little more careful about recording their actions, but I guess they thought they were smarter than the rest of us. I guess they were, seeing as how they stayed under the radar for so long.

"This is just one of the thousands of videos they have of Barnes. And I mean thousands. I've lost count of how many times they've put him in that machine."

"What are you saying, Tony?" you asked as worry started creeping up within you.

"I kept thinking back to something Natasha said a few years ago," he went on. "Two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years."

"We know this, Tony," you reminded him. "Four of those were our parents, remember?"

Tony acted as though he hadn't heard you. He was so focused on this train of thought that it was as if you weren't even in the room. "It got me thinking, you know? Barnes was captured over 70 years ago, what was he up to for the first twenty? I started digging through the files Nat dumped on the 'Net after the incident in D.C."

He paused for a moment, scrubbing his hands over his face before he began talking again. "I went back as far as I could. I found the initial videos from the 40's. They're in black and white, grainy as hell, and the sound is shit. The things they did to that man. . . It's enough to give you nightmares for the rest of your life."

"I know about nightmares, Tony," you stated.

"Not like this, you don't," he argued. "Twenty years. Twenty damn years of constant torture. He forgot his own name after the first ten, but it took them twenty years to make him forget Rogers. Even when he didn't know who he was he still screamed for Steve. Every time they asked if he was ready to comply he would call out for Steve. Then he didn't. It took fifty years for him to remember who Steve was and even then, he didn't fully remember."

"What are you saying, Tony?" you asked again, scared that you already knew the answer.

"I'm saying that we were wrong, (Y/N)," he replied as he turned off the video. "Steve reached out to me a few days ago. He's ready to come home and I think it's well past time he did."

"What about him?" you questioned.

Tony turned to look at you for the first time since you'd come into the room. "Barnes is coming, too."


	7. Chapter 7

"I don't even get a say in the matter?" you asked in complete disbelief. 

"(Y/N)," Tony pleaded. "Hear me out on this."

"No," you stated. "If that monster is coming to live here, then I'm leaving."

"Phil thought you'd feel that way," Tony began as he rose from the couch and walked toward his desk.

"What do you mean?" you asked as you followed him across the room. "You've already talked to Phil about this? Have you already talked to Rogers? Are they on their way here now?"

Tony rounded his desk and placing his hands on its surface, hung his head as if in defeat. "Yes."

"Yes to which question, Tony?" you demanded.

"Dammit, (Y/N,)" he yelled. "To all of them, okay! It's already done! My family was torn apart. I didn't want any of this. I found a way to fix it, and you're just going to have to live with it."

"I'll find a way to live with it," you told him. "It just won't be here."

Tony picked up an envelope from his desk. "You might want to read this before you decide anything." 

You turned back toward him as he held the letter out toward you. "What is that?"

"Phil," he explained. "Gotta hand it to the guy, he knows you like the back of his hand. Told me you'd react this way. So, here. Read this."

You took the envelope from Tony and quickly tore open the seal. Inside was a single sheet of paper. 

 

_(Y/N),_

_I'm sorry that I can't be there to talk to you myself. I'm on a mission and I'm not sure when I'll be back. I know you're angry right now and you have every right to be. You probably feel betrayed by both me and Stark. Believe me when I say that was not my intention. I sent you to Stark because I knew that you would help fuel his desire to find out everything about Barnes. I knew he would find those tapes. Stark is a lot of things, but malicious isn't one of them. I knew he would watch them all and come to the same conclusion that I did, that Barnes is just as much a victim as you are. My only hope is that one day you'll see Barnes as more than the Winter Soldier, as more than the monster that haunts your dreams._

_I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling right now. You're probably threatening to pack your bags as you read this. I can't stop you if that's the choice you make. I can promise you this; if you leave now, you'll go back to the desk in New York and I'll personally make sure you stay there for the rest of your career. If you decide to stay for at least one month, I'll give you your own division. I think you owe it to yourself to at least try and face your fears, to conquer your demons._

_I love you and I only want the best for you,_

_Phil_

 

You carefully folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope. "Did you read this?"

"No," Tony admitted. "You don't seem as angry as you did a few minutes ago. Do I even want to know what he wrote?"

"He offered me my own division," you told him. "All I have to do is live under the same roof as him for four weeks. Four weeks and my dream job is mine."

"Four weeks?" Tony asked. "Four weeks is a long time, you think you're up to it?"

The sound of a jet descending interrupted your conversation. "Please tell me that isn't them?"

"I couldn't exactly give you time to escape, could I?" Tony hedged as he brushed past you.

A sudden wave of fear washed over you at the thought of coming face to face with the man who'd ruined your life. You stood rooted to the ground for what seemed like an eternity. The sound of voices growing closer to you brought you out of your stupor. You slowly made your way down the hall toward the common room. 

Turning the corner you saw Tony leading Rogers into the room, his arm thrown around the blonde man's shoulders as he led him to where Rhodes was sitting. They were followed by Vision and Wanda Maximoff who were so focused on one another that they barely noticed the others in the room. The last two to enter were where your focus lay. You recognized Sam Wilson from the countless videos and photos you'd seen over the past few weeks, but he wasn't the one you were looking for. 

You weren't sure what you were expecting. Of course he wouldn't be dressed all in black, a gun in hand, with the mask covering his face. What you did see caught you completely off guard. He wasn't doing his iconic "murder strut" as you had dubbed it. His shoulders were slumped as though he were trying to make himself as small as possible. His long, dark hair was hanging loose, covering most of his face. His eyes were darting around the room, assessing it as only a soldier would, looking for the quickest exits.

You didn't move, but something must have alerted him to your presence. Maybe it was the anger radiating off of you in waves, or maybe it was the fear seeping from your pores. Either way, it was a magnet to him, drawing his attention to the shadowed doorway where you lurked. Before you had time to prepare yourself, those icy blue eyes had zeroed in on you and your world went black.


	8. Chapter 8

Tony was by your side in a second, but thankfully you didn't pass out completely. He led you through the common area toward the hallway. The new arrivals didn't say anything as he rushed passed them, his arm around your shoulder to shield you from their view. He took you to your room and sat you on the bed, sitting beside you and rubbing your back as you bent over, your head between your knees.

"I'm so weak," you moaned. "I couldn't even look him in the eye, Tony!"

Tony attempted to comfort you, but it wasn't his strong suit. "It's okay, kid. I didn't expect the two of you to become besties today. Maybe tomorrow."

You groaned at his lame attempt at a joke. You knew he was struggling with this as well, and he always resorted to humor to mask his own insecurities.

"Yeah," you agreed with a snicker as you sat up again. "Maybe tomorrow. So, does this count as day one toward my month, or not?"

"You're really thinking about leaving me?" he asked, his hand dramatically clutching his chest in mock horror.

"I can't even be in the same room as him, Tony! How am I supposed to work with him?"

"I'm not suggesting you start braiding his hair while he paints your toenails, but you could at least try to get to know him, the person he really is." 

"It's different for me, Tony," you tried to explain. "You didn't have to watch him kill your parents. . .

"Who killed your parents?" Steve asked from the doorway. Apparently Tony hadn't shut the door all the way.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you it was rude to eavesdrop?" you snapped at the tall blonde.

Steve held his hands up in front of him in surrender. "Woah! Not my intention at all. I was just concerned and wanted to make sure you were alright."

"You don't even know me!" you yelled at him.

"(Y/N), Steve, please," Tony interrupted. "This obviously didn't go the way I'd planned, but when does anything ever go the way I planned?"

Tony turned to you. "(Y/N), the cat's going to get out of the bag eventually. Why don't we just hit it head on and then, I don't know, maybe try to figure out some way to coexist peacefully?"

"Peacefully?" you asked. "Since I've been here, have you ever known me to have a moment's peace? What do you think it's going to be like now? How in the hell am I supposed to sleep knowing he's just a few doors down. God only knows when that switch is going to flip and he finishes the mission Hydra gave him all those years ago!"

Steve gave Tony a stern look. "Tony, who is she and how is she connected to Bucky?"

"I'm the loose end your buddy failed to tie up when he murdered my parents in cold blood!" you spat at him.

"What are you talking about?" Steve asked.

Tony held up at hand to stop you from speaking. "(Y/N)'s parents were high level S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. Hydra sent the Winter Soldier to take them out when she was ten."

"What the hell, Tony?" Steve yelled. "What possessed you to put them in the same room together?"

"This wasn't my idea, Steve," Tony defended himself. "Coulson put all of this together, I'm just the middleman with the sweet digs."

"It's Phil's version of shock therapy," you explained. "He thinks I need this to get over the trauma from that night."

Bucky walked out of the shadows from behind Steve. "You were the kid in the closet."


	9. Chapter 9

Your eyes went wide with shock. You'd been told his memories were spotty, how did he remember that night so well? How did he know you were even in the closet? Why hadn't he killed you? You had more questions now than you ever did. If he remembered you, then maybe he remembered why he'd been ordered to kill your parents. After all of these years, no one could figure out why Hydra had targeted them specifically. Could he be the key to finally solving the mystery? Could you stand to be in the same room long enough to figure it out?

Steve had turned toward his friend once he realized that he was behind him. "Buck. I know this seems bad, but we're going to figure this out."

"What's to figure out, Steve?" Bucky asked. "I killed her parents. I killed them while she hid in the closet and watched them die. I shouldn't have come here. I only cause pain wherever I go."

Bucky turned and walked back down the hall. Steve looked back at Tony, conflicting emotions playing over his features. He gave you an apologetic look as he turned and rushed to catch up to his friend.

 

 

 

"Bucky, wait!" Steve called as he raced down the stairs to the main floor. 

Bucky made it out the door before he whirled around to face Steve, anguish written all over his face. "Steve, don't."

"Buck," he pleaded. "Talk to me."

"What's to talk about Steve? Don't you see how messed up this all is? I was barely prepared to deal with Stark, but this? Her? I can't Steve. I can't face her every day knowing what I did to her family, what I've done to her."

"I know this is more than you expected when you agreed to come here, but I think this may be a good thing. Maybe earning her forgiveness will help you forgive yourself."

Bucky ran his fingers through his hair in obvious frustration, his head hanging down in defeat. "If it were someone other than her, maybe, but I can't face her Steve. I can't stand to look into her eyes, to see the hate. . . and the fear."

Steve reached out and laid a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "What is it about this girl, Buck? What makes her different?"

Bucky raised his head to look Steve in the eye. "She was the first."

Steve looked at Bucky in confusion. "What do you mean? The first what?"

"The first mission I remembered after I left you on the riverbank," he replied softly as he turned away from Steve and stared out toward the lake.

"Okay," Steve responded after a moment. "I hear what you're saying, but I still don't understand."

"I never saw her," he began. "Her parents had shoved her in the closet before I made it up the stairs, but I knew she was there. She was desperately trying to stay quiet, but I could hear her soft whimpers as I put a bullet through the of her parents. I could almost smell the fear radiating off of her."

"If you knew she was there, why didn't you kill her?" Steve asked hesitantly.

"Hydra had given me specific orders," Bucky explained. "Her parents were to be killed quickly, it didn't matter if it looked like an accident or not. They wanted both of them dead as soon as possible. My handlers told me about the girl, said she might be there and that I was free to take her out as well if she got in the way."

"You knew she was there and you chose not to kill her, Bucky. You made that choice, not the soldier."

"No, Steve," Bucky argued, turning back around to face his friend. "You can't keep doing that. You can't keep telling me that it wasn't me pulling the trigger, and then turning around and trying to convince me that some decision was me trying to fight the conditioning. Either I was always there, for the good and the bad, or I wasn't there at all. You can't have it both ways, Steve. I was told to kill her if she got in the way. She didn't get in the way, it's as simple as that!"

"Then why does she bother you so much?" he asked, trying to understand. "What's so special about this one girl you didn't kill?"

"Because I dream about killing her," he confessed.

Steve's face fell as he finally understood. "Buck."

"There were other kids," he explained. "Kids in the backseats of cars I forced over guardrails, kids trapped in a fire or an explosion, but as far as I can remember, I never actually shot a kid. She would have been the exception and that haunts me more than the ones I actually killed. It's one of the most frequent nightmares I have, opening that closet door and putting a bullet between her eyes. I can see it so clearly, sometimes I wondered if I had really done it. Don't get me wrong, I'm relieved to see her alive, to know that I didn't kill her, but I have a feeling it's just going to make the nightmares worse."

Steve placed his hand back on Bucky's shoulder, the only comforting gesture the other man would tolerate at the moment. "We'll get through this Buck. Between Wanda and T'Challa's psychologists, the trigger words are gone, we're one step closer to getting you back."

Bucky shook his head in disagreement. "The trigger words might be gone, but he'll always be there Steve. As long as I keep remembering the horrors I committed, the monster inside of my head will never go away."


	10. Chapter 10

"Well, this certainly changes things," Tony remarked after Steve had left.

You stared at the empty space beyond the door for a few moments. He had known you were there all along? All this time, you'd prided yourself on being so quiet in that closet. Your parents' final wish was for you to survive and for all of these years, you thought you'd done it all by yourself. Now it seems as though that monster hadn't wanted to waste his time on you. You weren't even worth killing, but they were. That question was still haunting you. Why did Hydra want your parents dead so badly that they would risk killing them so publicly. Howard and Maria's deaths had been made to look like an accident, but not your parents. Why?

"You're being too quiet," Tony observed after a moment. "You're never this quiet. You're making me nervous. I don't do well when I'm nervous. Would you please start talking?"

"What do you want me to say, Tony?" you whispered.

"I don't know, kid," Tony whined. "Anything is better than the catatonic look that's on your face right now."

You turned from the doorway and met Tony's eye. "He knew I was there all along. He remembers me. What am I supposed to do with that information?"

"You could seize this opportunity to talk to the one person who might know why your parents were killed," he suggested with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders.

"And just how do you suggest I go about that, Tony?" you inquired sarcastically. "Do you expect me to just waltz up to him with a cup of coffee and nicely ask him why Hydra ordered the deaths of my parents?"

You didn't give Tony an opportunity to answer as you shooed him from your room under the premise of needing some time alone to think. You did need to think, you needed to figure out what your next course of action would be. Tony may have given up on the idea of revenge, but you weren't ready to give up yet. Things were just going to become a bit trickier now that you were the only one out for blood. You just needed to wait for the perfect opportunity to arise. But first you needed to convince everyone that that you were willing to put the past behind you. This would never work if they thought you still wanted him dead.

 

You were laying on your bed trying to figure out how you were going to play things when you heard a knock on the door. Assuming it was Tony, you called out for him to come in. You sat up quickly when Steve nervously walked in, shutting the door behind him.

"I'm really sorry about all of this," he apologized. "If I had known, I would've never brought Bucky here. I know you may not believe this, but this situation isn't easy on him either."

You took stock of the tall blonde supersoldier. You'd grown up listening to stories about him from Phil, so you felt like you knew him personally. But the man standing in front of you wasn't the hero you'd always imagined him to be. How could he be after what he'd done to protect the Soldier? What was it about James Buchannan Barnes that made some of the finest men in the world willing to put all of their faith in him? Once you'd learned Barnes' true identity, you'd made it your mission to learn everything you could about him. You could admit that before Hydra had gotten ahold of him, he'd been a good man and a fine soldier, a hero even. But that had all been erased once he'd become Hydra's assassin. Friendship was one thing, but blind devotion was something you just couldn't stomach.

"I will admit that it must be hard for him, knowing what he did for all of those years." The words were like acid on your tongue, but you knew that if you could convince this man that you were no threat, you were that much closer to achieving your goal.

Steve let out a soft breath of relief, and you could see his shoulders visibly relax. "The monster that Hydra created, that's not Bucky. The memories of his time under their control are torture for him. He's trying to heal, to learn to forgive himself for what he did."

"It wasn't really him, though," you lied, telling Steve what he wanted to hear.

"Exactly!" Steve agreed, excitedly. "I've been trying to tell him that, but he won't listen to me. I'd hoped. . . I mean if you're willing. . . I don't want to pressure you or anything. . ."

"Spit it out, Rogers," you teased with a fake smile.

"What I'm trying to say is that I think it would really help Bucky if the two of you could talk," he explained. "I don't expect you to forgive him just yet, but if you would at least talk to him, to get to know him, you'd realize that he's not the monster you've imagined him to be."

Deep inside you were smiling in victory. Rogers was so blinded by his love for his friend that he couldn't see how easily you were fooling him. "I'll. . .I'll think it about it, okay? This was all sprung on me at the last minute, and I'm going to need a few days to really process all of this."

Steve's eyes lit up and a smile spread across his handsome face. "Take all of the time you need."

You got up off of the bed and followed him to the door, shutting it behind him. You lay back down on your bed again to plot your next move. They always said to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You and the Soldier were going to become very close in the next few weeks, right up until you finally killed him.


	11. Chapter 11

_You walked into the kitchen to find Vis mixing up a bowl of pancake batter. The griddle was on the counter beside him and a pan of bacon was sizzling on the stove. You walked over and gave him a grin as you flipped the bacon for him. Looking back over your shoulder, you saw the dining room table full of people for the first time._

_Tony was sitting at the head, with Rhodey on his right and Steve on his left. Sam was sitting next to Rhodey, with Wanda on his other side. There was an empty seat between Steve and Natasha, and the other end of the table was vacant as well. There were settings laid out at each seat, and you knew one was for you. There was a nagging sensation in the back of your mind that there was someone missing, but you just couldn't put your finger on it. You shook your head and went back to the bacon while Vis started pouring batter onto the hot griddle._

_You had just finished flipping the bacon, when a strong hand grabbed your arm and spun you around. You barely had time to react before a knife came down in an arc, just missing your head. You spun away from the assailant and saw the people sitting at the table all turned around to watch the scene unfold._

_You grabbed a knife from the block on the island and swept it sideways in front of you, hoping to slice open your unknown attacker. He was quicker than you, though, as he arched his back away from your blade. It was only when he took a step back to reassess that you realized who had been missing from the group._

_The Winter Soldier wasn't how you'd remembered him from all those years ago. He was dressed casually in dark jeans, and a red Henley. The all black tactical uniform was gone, as well as the mask. His mouth was set in a sneer, but his eyes were the same. Those cold, dead, icy orbs bored into you as the Soldier made another move to kill you._

_"Vis!" you screamed as the android stood by casually flipping his pancakes. "A little help here, please!"_

_"I'm sorry, (Y/N)," he replied, never once turning to look at you. "The probability of the Winter Soldier finishing his mission was 87.4%. I'm afraid the probability of you defeating him is only 13.8%. Your efforts are futile, it would be best if you just gave up now."_

_You threw your knife at the Soldier as you rounded the island, knowing that the temporary barrier between you wouldn't deter him for long. You chanced a glance back at the table of passive onlookers, hoping that one of them would come to your rescue._

_"I'm sorry, (Y/N)," Rhodey commented with a grimace. "You knew this day would come. It's your fault for becoming complacent."_

_"Rhodey's right," Tony agreed. "You don't stand a chance against the Soldier. Barnes, you could've taken out in an instant, but that opportunity is long gone, sweetheart. Now, be a good girl, and let him finish his mission so we can get on with our day."_

_By the time you looked back, it was too late. The knife was coming too fast for you to dodge, and the world went black as pain seared through your body._

 

You woke up drenched in a cold sweat, your heart pounding in your ears as you clutched your chest, the pain from the knife still real to you. For all of these years, the nightmare had never changed, it was always the ten year old little girl he'd come back to kill. Now, however, the game had changed. He may have everyone else here fooled, but you knew better. He was still a monster, and like a rabid dog, he'd eventually turn on everyone here. It was up to you to make sure that never happened.

You threw off your covers and walked into the bathroom. You stood under the spray, the water as cold as you could stand. You wanted nothing more than to kill the Soldier right this minute, but you knew that you'd have to bide your time. Eventually an opportunity would arise and you'd make sure it looked like an accident. Right now you needed to work on convincing everyone that you'd moved on from the past and were willing to forgive him for his actions so long ago.

You knew it meant that you'd actually have to talk to him. The thought of having a conversation with a cold-blooded killer sickened you, but you still had questions, and he was the only one with the answers.

You got out of the shower, dried off, and put on some yoga pants and a loose tank top. The arrival of the fugitives wasn't going to change your schedule, and right now Rhodey was waiting for you for his therapy. You steeled your nerves and opened the door, fully prepared to play your part.


	12. Chapter 12

You had a moment of déjà vu when you walked into the kitchen. Vis was at the counter mixing a bowl of batter and everyone was seated at the table, just as you'd dreamt it. The only difference was him. The Soldier was seated between Steve and Nat, a small smile upon his face as Steve told the group a story.

You hadn't made a sound as you'd entered the kitchen, even Vis hadn't noticed you yet, but somehow the Soldier was attuned to you. The smile faded as his eyes rose to meet yours. You wore a passive expression on your face, but you could tell he saw behind the façade. His eyes narrowed a bit as he studied you.

Steve was the first to notice that he no longer had the Soldier's attention. He followed the direction of his friend's gaze and a smile lit up his face when he spotted you. You placed a smile on yours as you gave him a small nod before moving beside Vis to help him finish breakfast.

A bead of sweat ran down your back as you stood at the stove, a part of you waiting for the events of your dream to play out in real life. You tried to tamp down the paranoia, but when a set of hands grasped your shoulders, instinct kicked in and you twisted around, ready to attack. Tony immediately let go of you, his hands raised in surrender.

"Easy there, sweetheart." Tony waited for a minute until he was sure that you were no longer on the defensive. "I just wanted to see how you were doing this morning."

You looked over your shoulder, but the only one who'd noticed your reaction was Rhodey. You weren't sure how much Tony and Steve had shared with the others, but they seemed unconcerned with your mental state. Tony and Rhodey knew that the events of yesterday would have an effect on you.

"I'm good," you lied. "You know I don't like people sneaking up on me, that's all."

Tony placed a hand on your back and guided you to the other end of the kitchen. "Rogers told me he had a talk with you last night. Said you told him that you were willing to talk to Barnes."

You sneaked a peek over your shoulder, and although he wasn't looking at you any longer, you could tell that he was trying to eavesdrop on your conversation with Tony. "He may have answers to questions we've all had for years. Rogers assured me that the trigger words were gone, so yes, I'll talk to him if he's willing to shed some light on that night."

"I've talked to T'Challa myself," he informed you. "He's convinced that the Soldier can never be activated again. Once you get your answers, I think it's time to move on. The team is back together. . ."

"And as soon as I get my answers, and my four weeks are up, I'll be gone," you interrupted him.

Tony gave you a pained look. "I don't want you to leave. I've just gotten my family back. . ."

"And I'm not a part of that family, Tony," you interrupted again. "I'm not an Avenger. We both know that Phil only sent me here to help me get over the trauma of my parents' death. Once I've done that, there's no reason for me to stay."

"You're my family," Tony argued, "And I want you to stay."

"I don't want to argue with you anymore, Tony. Let's just take it a day at a time and see where things stand in a month."

You could tell that Tony wasn't happy with that answer, but he didn't have a choice but to accept it. He gave you a nod as he directed you toward the table. Vis placed the food in the center for everyone to help themselves. The conversation with Tony had ruined your appetite, but you ate anyway, if only to keep your strength up. It wouldn't do for you to become weak; weakness and complacency would be your enemies in the next few weeks.

 

 

He'd noticed her the second she'd walked into the kitchen. He watched as she warily assessed the room, her gaze locking on his for just a moment. She was trying to look calm, but he could see the fear and anger swirling in her eyes. Those eyes had haunted him for years. He'd only caught a glimpse of them between the slats of the closet door, but he would have recognized them anywhere. He had told Steve a lot about that night, but he hadn't told him how much he'd admired the little girl in the closet. She'd met his eyes that night, and although there had been fear, there was also a fierce determination that hadn't allowed her to look away from him.

He strained to hear her conversation with Stark, and he wasn't surprised that she only wanted to talk to him about that night. He knew that she'd eventually want answers, answers he wasn't prepared to give her. He admired her strength, her ability to put the horror of that night behind her and make a life for herself. He wouldn't be the one to tear all that away from her again.


	13. Chapter 13

You waited a few days before you approached him. You'd gone about your normal routines, eager to observe him and isolate his weaknesses. He was a true soldier, always wary of unknown threats, and constantly scanning his surroundings looking for anything out of the ordinary. 

You had waited until he'd gone off to the lake by himself before you approached him. The less people to witness this first encounter, the better. You knew he was aware of your presence long before you were even close to him. You weren't sure how he was able to sense you, but it must have something to do with the serum they'd injected him with all of those years ago.

He hadn't turned around, but you could see the slight shift in his posture, his shoulders tensing as you walked toward him. "I'd wondered how long it would take you to seek me out."

"Do you blame me for taking my time?"

He looked over his shoulder just enough to catch you in his peripheral vision. He didn't seem to be worried about whether or not you had a weapon. "I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me."

The sound of his voice was disconcerting to you. You'd expected his voice to be evil and menacing, but it made you think of hopelessness and despair. He was so soft-spoken, you almost had to be standing beside him to hear what he had to say. A part of you wanted to feel sympathy for the broken shell of a man standing before, especially when you remembered the videos of him and Rogers from before Hydra had gotten hold of him. You had to remind yourself that even the most vicious animal could appear docile and helpless when they were in pain. One wrong move, and the injured beast would lash out against the very hand that was trying to help them.

"I'm sure you know by now that there are answers I need from you," you stated matter-of-factly, not wanting him to misconstrue your intentions for seeking him out.

"I'm afraid I don't have the answers you're looking for." He hung his head, refusing to look at you. 

There was something about the way he spoke that led you to believe that he was lying. You stared at him for a moment, trying to discern why he would lie to you. Finally giving up, you turned to leave. "Then we have nothing to talk about."

You were a few yards away from him when you thought you'd heard him speak. You turned back toward him, but he hadn't moved. His shoulders were still slumped and he was staring at the rocky shore beneath his feet. You were almost positive that he'd said, "I don't suppose we do."

Realizing that it didn't matter, you made your way back to the compound. You looked up to see Tony standing in the window of his office. From his vantage point, you knew he'd seen you by the lake with the Soldier. He gave you a nod, letting you know that he wanted to talk to you, so you went straight to his office rather than back to your room.

The door was already open, so you walked in without knocking. Tony was seated on the couch, a glass of whiskey in his hand. He'd poured one for you, and you sat beside him, grabbing the glass from the coffee table, carefully taking a sip of the potent liquor.

"I figured you'd need a stiff drink after that," he explained, giving you a sideways glance, his mouth turned up in a wry grin.

"A completely unenlightening conversation," you informed him as you curled up on your end of the couch, tucking your feet beneath you.

"Barnes didn't have any information about your parents?"

You let out an exasperated huff as you threw back the entire contents of the glass. "Not a damn thing."

Tony eyed you warily for a moment before speaking. "I can see the wheels turning in that pretty little head of yours. Spill it."

You looked at the empty glass in your hand, debating on how much you wanted to say. A week ago, you wouldn't have hesitated to share your theories with Tony, but now you weren't sure whether or not you could trust him. "I guess Hydra didn't share their motivations with him, he was simply a tool to them."

You could feel Tony's eyes boring into you as he tried to decide if you were lying to him. A feeling of despair fell over you as you realized that your life had been reduced to a series of lies, both the ones you were telling and the ones that were being told to you. A part of you wanted to share your suspicions with Tony, if only to have someone to talk to, but you knew his loyalties had shifted. You had to keep up your façade of indifference and acceptance if you were going to accomplish your objective. Once your personal vendetta was over, you'd probably never see the Avengers again. It was better to distance yourself now, it would save you from more heartache in the future. 

You feigned a headache and retreated to your room, pulling out your parents' file. Spreading it out on the bed before you, you poured over the information for the hundredth time, looking for something, anything that might clue you in to why the Soldier was lying about their deaths.


	14. Chapter 14

You spent the next few weeks trying to decide how to push the Soldier into telling you about your parents. He had begun to avoid you and you could never find an opportunity to talk to him alone again. Rogers was absolutely no help, constantly trying to get you involved with the team. He'd even gone so far as to create a training schedule to keep everyone mission ready. It was a welcome distraction, although you noted that he never scheduled you and the Soldier together. The two of you sparred with everyone else, and you could only assume that the Soldier had requested that he not be paired off against you. You weren't sure if it was because he didn't want to be around you, or if it was because he didn't trust you.

You were getting frustrated with the slow progress you were making, and you would have probably done something foolish if a crisis hadn't arisen in South America. After much deliberation, Tony and Rogers had decided that this would be an ideal mission for you and the Soldier to get your feet wet. It was supposed to be a simple take down and data recovery, but nothing was ever simple when it came to Hydra.

You knew things were going to go south from the moment the Quinjet touched down in the middle of the jungle. The base was larger than the intel had originally predicted, and there were more operatives than expected. Without Rhodey and Hawkeye, you and the Soldier were needed more than ever. The two of you were assigned to different teams, the Soldier going with Rogers, and you with the Widow.

As much as you hated to admit it, you and Natasha had hit it off immediately. You enjoyed training with her more than any of the others and the two of you worked well together. Your mission was to infiltrate the base and upload the data from Hydra's secure server while the rest of the Avengers maintained your cover.

By the time the two of you made it to the servers, you were both exhausted and covered in blood. Thankfully, most of it wasn't your blood, but it had been tougher getting to the heart of base than you'd originally planned. You covered Nat as she hacked into their system, downloading all their files onto the thumb drive she'd brought with her.

Once the download was complete, the two of you fought your way back through the maze of hallways toward the entrance. It was slow going as more and more Hydra operatives were redirected to impede your escape. 

Finally clearing the building, you were thrown into another battle as the team desperately tried to fend off the agents whose sole purpose was to keep you from leaving with the files. You were engaged in a rough hand-to-hand fight with an agent twice your size when you saw Nat go down. Wilson was supposed to have been watching her six, but he'd been knocked out of the sky by an RPG and an operative had blindsided Nat.

You saw him reach down and pull the thumb drive from one of the compartments on her utility belt and make off to a jet a few dozen yards away. You wanted to stop and check on Nat, but you knew the mission had to come first. You yelled into your comms that Nat was down and you were in pursuit of her assailant and the data files he'd stolen. Tony responded that he saw you and was going to cover you while Maximoff was sent in to assess Nat's condition.

As you ran toward the jet, a flash of silver to your right caught your eye. The Soldier was running alongside of you as you tried to catch up to the agent. The cargo door was closing as you reached the plane, but the Soldier reached up with his left arm and pulled it down low enough for you gain entry. 

The plane began to ascend as you pulled the agent from the cockpit, throwing him down onto the metal grating of the floor. You straddled him as you grabbed a handful of his hair, slamming his head against the metal flooring until he lost consciousness. You quickly searched his pockets until you found the thumb drive. It wasn't until you were zipping it into the pocket of your cargo pants that you noticed that the Soldier was also on the plane.

His eyes were focused on the unconscious man beneath you as he held onto the framework of the plane. The cargo door had been damaged in his attempt to open it and anything not tied down was being sucked from the plane. He looked back at you, not the least bit shocked to see hatred and rage filling your eyes as you realized your opportunity for revenge had finally come.

You sprang to your feet and came at him with everything you had. He took every punch and kick without offering once to defend himself. His passive acceptance of his fate was highly disappointing, so you were thrilled when his eyes finally went dark and he leaned back to strike out at you with the heel of his boot.

You easily dodged his foot, but it wasn't until you heard the grunt of pain from behind you that you realized he wasn't aiming for you. In your blind rage, you'd failed to notice the Hydra agent coming at you with a knife. The agent fell back against the controls and the plane started spinning out of control.

The three of you were tossed about as the jet spiraled into the ground. The agent flew out of the open cargo door with a scream as you held on for dear life. You looked around for the Soldier, finding him holding on to the metal flooring with his metal arm, his eyes pleading with you to not let him fall.


	15. Chapter 15

You turned away from him and pulled yourself into cockpit. If there was any chance of you surviving this, you'd have to get the plane under control. If the Soldier didn't make it, that wasn't on you. You strapped yourself in and grabbed the controls, pulling up as hard as you could to level the plane before it nosedived into the jungle that was steadily growing closer to you.

You had just managed to get the plane level before it hit the trees. The velocity of the plane jerked you forward before slamming you back into the seat, knocking you unconscious.

You weren't sure how long you were out, but by the time you came to again, what was left of the plane was slowing burning. You gasped in pain as you unbuckled the harness and crawled out from the wreckage. The entire back of the plane was gone, and you could only assume the Soldier had gone with it. You reached up toward your ear to activate your comms, only to find that your earpiece was gone. It must have been knocked loose. You were on your own

Looking around, all you could see was the jungle. The plane had taken down a swath of trees as it careened forward, so there was a little sunlight filtering in through the thick black smoke of the burning plane. You began to walk along the path the plane had carved into the jungle floor, looking for anything that was salvageable to help you make it until help arrived.

You'd gone a couple hundred yards when you came upon the back half of the plane. Most of it was consumed in flames and you were just about to continue on your way when a glare caught your eye. Covering your mouth with your sleeve, you ventured closer to the wreckage. You let out a scream as a hand reached out and grabbed your leg.

For a moment you feared it was the Hydra agent, but the flames reflecting off the vibranium confirmed that the Soldier had indeed survived the crash. The majority of the plane was resting on top of him and you could only make out one eye peering up at you, fear and pain evident in his expression.

You jerked your foot free of his hand and made to turn away. This was exactly the situation you'd been dreaming of. You could leave him here to die and no one would question you for a second. It was a miracle that you'd survived the crash, they would never have to know you could have saved him as well. 

You walked forward a few steps before stopping. You turned back and looked at him. His hand hung limp and his eyes were closed, a single tear falling from the corner. He was beaten, and he knew it. 

Why had he come onto the plane with you? He could have easily went back to the fight after you'd boarded the plane, but he'd followed you. Why had he saved your life when the agent came at you with a knife? He knew you wanted him dead, so why would he risk putting his life in your hands?

As much as you hated him, there was a part of you that just couldn't leave him here to die. He'd saved your life and deep down, you knew you couldn't ignore that. Frustrated by your own sense of integrity, you grabbed a piece of metal and walked back to the wreckage. Shoving it under the plane, you pushed down as hard as you could, hoping the leverage you provided would be enough for him to work his way out.

When the pressure on his chest eased, his eyes shot open and met yours. Not wanting to give you a chance to change your mind, he used his left arm to push against the plane as he pulled himself free with his right. Once he was clear, you let go of the makeshift lever and the plane fell back to the ground in a shower of sparks. 

The Soldier lay at your feet coughing as you debated what to do next. "Do you still have your comms?"

He reached up to his ear and shook his head no, still trying to catch his breath after inhaling so much smoke. Mentally cursing yourself, you extended a hand toward him. He looked up at you in confusion before grabbing your hand and allowing you to help him up.

"We should move away from the smoke," you informed him as you began walking. "It's not fun to breath, and the team won't be able to see us if they fly over."

He didn't say anything, but you could hear him walking behind you as you made your way back toward the other half of the plane. "I thought I saw the shoreline on the horizon before we crashed. We should probably head there, it'll be easier to spot us on the beach than in this jungle."

By the time you made it to the beach, the Soldier had stopped coughing. You looked up and down the shoreline, hoping to see a village or a boat. Seeing neither, you turned back toward your companion.

"It'll be wiser for us to split up and search for help," you said as you looked at the sun in the sky. "I figure we have a couple more hours of daylight left, so it's best if we go now. I'll head north, you go south. If you find help, get a message to the team and meet me back here at sundown."

"How do I know you'll come back for me if you find help first?" he asked, a wary look in his eye.

You shrugged your shoulders as you turned and started walking away. "You don't."


	16. Chapter 16

You were hot and thirsty and every single part of your body ached. Between the fighting at the base and the plane crash, you were sure that you'd at least bruised some ribs, if not broken a few. Your feet were screaming at you to stop walking, but you needed to find civilization. You couldn't stand the thought of being stranded here, especially with the Soldier. You wondered if he'd had any luck, and if he had, would he even bother coming back for you. It would be just as easy for him to leave you for dead. 

You looked at the sky again and saw that the sun was beginning its descent. You strained your eyes against the harsh glare, hoping to see any sign of a boat or people. You knew that Hydra had picked this spot deep within the jungle because there wasn't anyone else around, so it wasn't surprising that you'd come up empty in your search. With a heavy heart, you turned around and headed back toward the rendezvous point.

As you grew closer, you could just make out the figure of a man walking toward you. The evening sun was glinting off his metal arm, so you were under no delusions that someone had come to rescue you. Your only hope was that he'd found a way to contact the team, but as he grew closer, you could see the disappointment in his eyes.

"Nothing?" he asked once he was close enough to be heard.

"Nothing," you responded. "I guess we're on our own until the team finds us."

He moved toward a fallen tree closer to the jungle, easing himself down slowly. "How long do you think we were in the air before the plane came down?" 

You eyed the log, desperate to sit and rest for a moment but not wanting to be too close to him. Sensing your hesitation, he slid over to the edge to give you room to sit. "I'm not sure how far we flew before we crashed. I don't remember seeing the ocean when we landed at the base, but I wasn't looking for it."

"They'll be looking for us." He tilted his head, looking up at the ever darkening sky. "They should have at least seen the smoke and the wreckage."

"Did anyone pay attention to which way the plane was flying though?" you asked. "Both Romanoff and Wilson were down and the team was struggling to neutralize the threat."

"Once Stark saw that I was following you to the plane, he went back to the fight, so he probably wasn't paying that much attention." 

The Soldier grew quiet after this statement, leaving you to your own thoughts. You kicked at the sand under your boot as you struggled to come to terms with your situation. How had you come to be here, sitting next to the man that had ruined your life? You sneaked a quick glance and saw him leaning over, his head in his hands. As much as you wanted to still think of him as a monster, hadn't the events of today proven him to be otherwise? He had no reason to follow you onto the plane, no reason to save your life, yet he'd done both of those things. He'd spent the entire day looking out for you, making sure that you were safe and how had you repaid him? You'd left him to fall to his death on the plane and then you'd almost left him to burn alive in the wreckage. You'd even alluded to the fact that you might not come back for him if you found help. Who was the monster now?

"Why won't you tell me about my parents?" you finally asked, desperate for anything to take your mind of your predicament.

"I can't tell you what I don't know," he responded, refusing to meet your eye.

"Let me rephrase the question. Why are you lying to me about my parents' death?"

His head shot up as he met your angry gaze. He was a lousy liar, guilt was written all over his face. "Why does it matter? It won't change what happened."

You stood up quickly, needing to vent some of your anger as you paced in front of him. "Maybe not, but don't I have a right to know why you were sent to murder them in cold blood?"

He glared at you for a moment before dropping his head again. "I don't want to talk about it."

You stalked toward him, anger radiating off of you. You reached down and grabbed his face, forcing him to look at you. "I could have left you to burn today. I could have ended your miserable life and no one would have been the wiser. You owe me this."

He swatted your hand away and stood up, his eyes cold and dark as anger poured through him. This is what you wanted. You wanted him to be angry, to show some emotion. Fighting a broken man held no appeal for you, but this, this anger burning through him was what you needed to spur you on. You raised your hands and shoved him hard. "Tell me!"

As quickly as his anger had surfaced, it was gone again in an instant. His eyes went from cold and angry, to sad and broken in a heartbeat. "Hate me all you want, but I can't. . . I can't do that to you."

Having him admit that he was lying had you choking back a sob. "Why? What could be so horrible that you can't tell me? Please, Bucky. Please tell me the truth!"

You weren't sure if it was your tears or the fact that you'd called him by his name, but he finally gave in and told you what you wanted to know. "They were Hydra."


	17. Chapter 17

You shook your head in denial at his words. He was lying, he had to be. Your parents weren't Hydra, they couldn't be Hydra. They were good people, loving parents, respected agents. "You're lying."

Your words were barely a whisper, but he heard you. He went to reach for you, to offer you some form of comfort, but you shoved him away. "Why are you still lying to me?"

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't want to tell you. I knew it would be too hard for you to accept."

You backed away from him, desperately trying to make sense of his words. "I don't understand. If they were Hydra, why were you sent to kill them? It doesn't make any sense."

"I don't know much," he admitted. "They never told me more than I needed to know. What I do know is that your parents were Hydra, but they were getting ready to turn. They were going to expose Hydra's infiltration of S.H.I.E.L.D. and bring everything crashing down. That's why their deaths weren't made to look like an accident. They were killed the way they were as an example to anyone else that might be having second thoughts."

His words made so much sense, and answered every single question you'd had for so many years. They also cut you to the bone. You'd always thought your parents were so honorable, risking their lives every day to ensure the world was a safer place, but now that fantasy had been shattered. All along your parents had helped create the greatest evil the world had ever known and you would never be able to think about them the same way again.

"I know this is hard to hear," he said as he reached for you again. You allowed him to pull you closer to him, needing comfort and not caring where it came from. "Your parents didn't deserve to die. God knows, I wish they'd exposed Hydra before Pierce found out. They'd still be alive, and. . . "

"And you would've been rescued years ago," you finished for him. "Killing them was essentially a death sentence for you."

He pulled away from you, his head hanging in shame. "It's selfish of me to think like that."

"No, it's not," you reassured him. "Tell me, though. Were my parents. . . did they ever. . ?"

"No," he answered before you finished your question. "They were never a part of the Winter Soldier program. They knew about me, but that wasn't part of their mission."

You reached out for him, your hand coming to rest on the lower part of his metal arm. He looked up at you in surprise. "One more question, if you don't mind."

"Why didn't I kill you that night?"

You let out a soft sigh, wondering how he was able to read your mind so well. "You've already admitted that you knew I was there. I remember looking into your eyes between the slats. Why did you let me live?"

"I wish I could tell you that I made a conscious choice to let you live, but that would be a lie. I didn't kill you because you weren't a part of my mission. They told me to kill you if you got in the way, but you listened to your parents and stayed in the closet."

When he finished, you realized that a part of you wanted him to tell you that he's spared your life. You wanted to believe that some part of him was good, but that just wasn't the case. He was like a machine when he was under their control, and a machine followed orders.

You turned away from him, the physical and emotional stress of the day finally weighing you down. You stood at the water's edge and watched as the moon began its ascent into the night sky. You finally had your answers, but they weren't the ones you'd hoped to get. It was better to know the truth, wasn't it? Even if the truth was harder to bear than the unanswered questions you'd had for years.

It was a long time before you spoke again. "Thank you."

"For what?" he asked as he walked toward you.

"For being honest with me," you clarified. "The truth hurts, but at least now I know. Maybe now I can start to put this all behind me, to move on with my life."

The two of you stood on the shore, silently looking out over the waves, not really friends, but no longer enemies. You weren't sure where things would go from here, but you knew your plans for retribution were being swept away like grains of sand in the waning tide.


End file.
